Jim Gaffigan

May 15, 2013

Two year olds are the only people I share pastrami sandwi…

May 13, 2013

Finally an ugly mirror that is also a TV.

May 12, 2013

My IQ looks horrible in this picture.

May 6, 2013

Me and my old drinking buddy Buzz Aldrin.

April 27, 2013

Thx @drcharyws

April 23, 2013

How did those people know I was expecting an email from A…

April 20, 2013

Pre show = pre death. Yes this is day 2 of Chicago deep …

April 20, 2013

Breakfast, Lunch and winner!

April 19, 2013

This is how I'm getting to my Chicago Theatre shows tonig…

April 18, 2013

Thx OU! Kenan and I hope @whitneyacummings feels better…

April 18, 2013

Going healthy with a Cheeseburger pizza from Avalanche be…

April 18, 2013

We're visiting your Auntie Anne, bring your Lipitor and d…

April 18, 2013

"Your name?"

April 17, 2013

"RT @Mattador315 @JimGaffigan as a bear. #workdoodles". Y…

April 16, 2013

That is great honey but it could use a little more yellow…

April 15, 2013

Chicago, here i come. (Photo courtsey of @dcmilz)

April 14, 2013

A little foreplay with @jeanniegaffigan

April 13, 2013

My 7-year-old: What is that? Me: That is where they bur…

April 11, 2013

Finally!

April 11, 2013

I'm an artist! (And 45 minutes early for my show)

April 9, 2013

"Oh No!" - me and every other fat guy realizing that we c…

April 5, 2013

This is awesome. Thx David.

April 5, 2013

"So, when you were 7, your Dad would help you tape toget…

April 4, 2013

"No, I have the best Dad!"

April 3, 2013

My screaming sugar highed children and I thank @elischees…

April 3, 2013

Jalapeño cheese bread! And you say there is no God.

April 1, 2013

My 3 year old: What is that? Me: Daddy's medicine.

March 31, 2013

Easter 2013

March 30, 2013

What an amazing day! Virginia is so beautiful in the Spr…

March 30, 2013

Pre-show Roanoke. From Thelma's Chicken and Waffles

March 30, 2013

Last show tonight in Roanoke!

March 29, 2013

My Ethnic food. Thx whoever gave me this stuff.

March 29, 2013

Thx @pacetre these are amazing! See u tonight in Evansvil…

March 29, 2013

Feeding ducks in Evansville. I'll let you know how they t…

March 29, 2013

Now I know what is going on inside my three year old's br…

March 28, 2013

Thx Paducah and thx to whoever drew this.

March 28, 2013

Our bus driver is so immature. Tonight Paducah. Tomorrow…

March 26, 2013

All great restaurants should come with babysitters. Thx …

March 26, 2013

Excuse me! I'm with my CHILDREN!

March 25, 2013

Slid under my hotel door. He normally emails.

March 24, 2013

Thanks The Plaid Cookie Company. ThePlaidCookie.com

March 24, 2013

OKC tonight. Rose State Performing Arts Center. 7 & 10pm

March 24, 2013

This is how I felt this morning.

March 23, 2013

My last Texas meal. I had to.

March 22, 2013

Made this carving over breakfast.

March 22, 2013

You ain't from these parts is ya @tomshillue ?

March 22, 2013

Here I am being carried by @MichaelBerrySho and his broth…

March 21, 2013

Congrats @nerdist !

March 21, 2013

Houston we have landed.

March 21, 2013

Everything in Texas is bigger.

March 21, 2013

I'm bringing these babes to Houston. Tickets avail for 2…

March 21, 2013

Is this pastry supposed to look like a circumcision gone …

March 20, 2013

And then these two weirdos behind us pulled out guitars a…

March 20, 2013

Looking at Mexican food makes my mouth sweat.

March 20, 2013

I can't remember where I left my two oldest. #SATX

March 19, 2013

My 8 & 7 year olds favorite part of New Orleans so far.

March 19, 2013

If I'm found dead in the next few days, this person did …

March 19, 2013

I hate sharing.

March 19, 2013

The photo does not capture their complaining.

March 18, 2013

I'm glad I saw this sign.

March 17, 2013

I love a clever menu but I prefer the bulletpoints.

March 17, 2013

Chattanooga tonight!

March 17, 2013

This is the weirdest stool sample I've ever had.

March 15, 2013

It's so cool how they can now make strawberries with no f…

March 15, 2013

Another reason to love the South.

March 15, 2013

I'd like to apologize in advance for all hotel rooms my c…

March 14, 2013

Out home for the next 2 weeks. Next stop Richmond, VA.

March 14, 2013

I can't go to bed. Here is why.

March 13, 2013

Why are all the ladies at the gym looking at me like i'm …

February 28, 2013

I need a drink cozy that says "I'm a pervert with no sens…

February 26, 2013

Thanks @grovemade. I love my new iPhone 5. I promise no…

February 23, 2013

"Excuse me, is this an airport lounge or possibly a warm,…

February 18, 2013

I wish there was this much room.

February 18, 2013

Let's see what people waste money on.

February 17, 2013

Really Miami?

February 16, 2013

"RT @alaynejane my toddler has adopted you in baby form.…

February 15, 2013

Movie Night!

February 15, 2013

A gift from someone who gets me.

February 14, 2013

"@ryan_dupape @JimGaffigan I imagine this is what you'd l…

February 14, 2013

The native food of all airports.

February 13, 2013

Oh cool this hotel gave me 2 apples, a pear and 2...other…

February 9, 2013

RT @MarieZam A naked @JimGaffigan enjoying the snow! #dad…

February 9, 2013

A photo of NYC streets today from my window! #nemo

February 9, 2013

"RT @jwage @meganswage @jimgaffigan I dunno about you but…

February 7, 2013

Saw this and thought of @jeanniegaffigan then I thought o…

February 6, 2013

"RT: @Mike_DErrico @JimGaffigan has the only face that lo…

February 2, 2013

Photo by @theCoreyMelton

February 2, 2013

Whole Foods more like Whole Population. #TooCrowded

February 2, 2013

Now I won't feel guilty when I travel out of town.

February 1, 2013

A rare glimpse inside my mind.

January 31, 2013

Me and my ice cream hero Jerry Greenfield, co-founder @be…

January 30, 2013

This is how I feel about you! To find out how to be my V…

January 29, 2013

I won tweet of the day from @amNewYork and I don't look f…

January 27, 2013

My date John DeBella and his $100 cheesesteak #barclaypr…

January 26, 2013

I can't believe this cheesesteak is only a dollar. #barcl…

January 25, 2013

I can't believe my 7 year old son is so good looking! Jim…

January 24, 2013

I bet the frowny face icon was invented on a cold early m…

January 22, 2013

Will you be my Valentine? Go to Jimgaffigan.com to find o…

January 22, 2013

Will you be my Valentine? Go to Jimgaffigan.com to find o…

January 22, 2013

Will you be my Valentine? Go to Jimgaffigan.com to find …

January 20, 2013

Unfortunately I look like this every month.

January 17, 2013

Thx RT @Minoverette sister & I wanted 2c who could draw b…

January 13, 2013

Thx to everyone who preordered. Autographed "Dad is Fat" …

January 12, 2013

Just took a red eye with @andersonanthony . He was annoyi…

January 10, 2013

I feel like i've made it. RT ‏@ebenezerhausfly This was o…

January 7, 2013

I'm starting to think these guys are in better shape than…

January 7, 2013

I'm supposed to grab it and start playing right? #knicks

January 7, 2013

Spike is giving some advice. #knicks

January 7, 2013

.@RealNoth has the breaking bad phone.#knicks

January 7, 2013

This is my date instead of @jeanniegaffigan (@realchrisno…

January 7, 2013

A highly personal letter.

January 6, 2013

Award seems vague.

January 2, 2013

Thx @TullysCoffee for the free coffee. This is how drug d…

January 2, 2013

Here's @MrJoshCharles roller bag.

January 2, 2013

RIP Jack Klugman

January 2, 2013

I didn't even know @michaelianblack was on my flight

January 2, 2013

And then finally my bag arrived.

January 1, 2013

The cause of my death could be listed as "spent holidays …

December 31, 2012

Wishing you a regret free New Year.

December 30, 2012

In Wisconsin even the Christmas decorations are edible. …

December 30, 2012

So you're saying I'm a filthy pig. Thx Katherine Harriso…

December 30, 2012

Thx @tjwoodard

December 30, 2012

Thx @tjwoodard

December 29, 2012

Which beer should I choose?

December 29, 2012

The pre show meatloaf cupcake. Thx @pabsttheater

December 27, 2012

Here i am doing some writing.

December 25, 2012

I guess he is my son.

December 25, 2012

This dog was not only cute but delicious.

December 25, 2012

I don't know why my in-laws thought this was a re-gift.

December 25, 2012

Day two of aioli, the vampire killer mayonnaise.

December 25, 2012

The only thing better than watching.TV is watching my bro…

December 24, 2012

Went caroling.yesterday or as I call it karaoke slavery.

December 22, 2012

Great another thing I know nothing about.

December 22, 2012

Good to know that horrible "Got milk" campaign still has …

December 22, 2012

Service is amazing at @milwaukeehilton these guys were gr…

December 22, 2012

I can't express my love for the Hilton Milwaukee City. Ce…

December 21, 2012

If you think you are having an awesome night, check out w…

December 19, 2012

hx @YuzuFerocious I hope this is not the only tattoo you …

December 19, 2012

Teaching healthy eating habits.

December 18, 2012

Thx @susanisaacs. Feel my wild west?! Excuse me?

December 17, 2012

Watching women dressed as deer simulate pulling a bearded…

December 16, 2012

Thx.@rockettes another amazing show! You made me miss my …

December 15, 2012

At least we know who to avoid.

December 15, 2012

Nailed it!

December 13, 2012

I’ve never tried Responsibly but everyone keeps telling m…

December 10, 2012

Name the people in this horrible iPhone photo from@portla…

December 8, 2012

Excuse me!?!

December 8, 2012

Finally a fancy playroom with a matte d. "How many in yo…

December 7, 2012

Darn. I was thinking of stealing this ugly filthy hotel …

December 7, 2012

Thx Paloma Chavez for this cool poster avail at my Milwau…

December 6, 2012

.@benandjerrys = happy kids. Thx @benandjerrys The screa…

December 3, 2012

Proof I live in a dangerous neighborhood.

December 3, 2012

See, you don't have to sell out.

December 2, 2012

I need to get there fast AND I need people to know I'm a …

November 30, 2012

Is it?

November 29, 2012

I don't want to know what the free prize is

November 29, 2012

Is it still necessary for espresso machines to be the siz…

November 27, 2012

Here is a pic of me doing finishing touches on my new boo…

November 27, 2012

My reward for being awake at this ungodly hour.

November 25, 2012

How to pay 25 dollars for coffee (before tip)

November 25, 2012

What do you think of my new headshot?

November 24, 2012

How flattering?

November 24, 2012

Had Thanksgiving last night at "Tournament of Kings" at E…

November 23, 2012

They should just rename Las Vegas "Instagram City"

November 23, 2012

If you have a pet u need to see Popovich Comedy Pet Theat…

November 22, 2012

Is it just me or could we be triplets?

November 22, 2012

Thx @themiragelv #secretgarden the kids and I loved the d…

November 22, 2012

This is over my bed at home.

November 22, 2012

The rare Asabi Asian Leopard Pumpkin

November 22, 2012

My kids have grown up so fast. #thanksgiving

November 21, 2012

I found my Thanksgiving outfit.

November 21, 2012

Our new babysitters.

November 21, 2012

Just told my kids this bidet was a French drinking fount…

November 20, 2012

Finally!

November 19, 2012

These guys know how to swim better than you. #goldengogg…

November 19, 2012

And Windi had...

November 17, 2012

I try to make it all about art Saturday morning with the …

November 16, 2012

Wow! I can’t believe how @jeanniegaffigan looks in swims…

November 15, 2012

For school my 6 year old was asked to list 4 thing he was…

November 13, 2012

Why is the emergency call button at toddler height??

November 12, 2012

I should assume this is my preschooler's "art" project ri…

November 11, 2012

There are so many turnovers in the Bears/Texans game I’m …

November 10, 2012

Finally back home. Where it all started.

November 10, 2012

Haven't been back at Apollo since I was a dancer on the T…

November 10, 2012

.@HanksyNYC did a stencil of my 8-year-olds street art.

November 10, 2012

Thx @HanksyNYC for this and the amazing street art featur…

November 9, 2012

Thx Casino Rama!

November 7, 2012

I don't think my 8-year-old was a Romney supporter.

November 5, 2012

@HanksyNYC Showed my kids ur street art of me @ Mulberry …

November 4, 2012

I love NYC.

November 2, 2012

I already miss the electricity being out. #sandy #blacko…

November 2, 2012

How I made money during the 4-day #sandy blackout with my…

October 31, 2012

Empire State Building Halloween 2012. No kidding

October 29, 2012

Here is the view of downtown Manhattan from my window! #f…

October 27, 2012

Thanks @HanksyNYC This is awesome. Let me know if you'd …

October 27, 2012

Here is a picture of my five kids.

October 20, 2012

Finally a day for Dogs to dress up.

October 15, 2012

Thanks @sockmonkeyfarm for another amazing creation. Our …

October 8, 2012

Intermission. "Do we get to keep this?" This might be my…

October 8, 2012

Big thanks to @jeanniegaffigan for packing this. #anniem…

October 8, 2012

I've brought.my 8, 6 & 3 yr old to see "Annie" the music…

October 6, 2012

I didn't know Denver was this cool! See u tonight.

October 5, 2012

Proof: it's not always happy ending.

September 29, 2012

The best baby gift we've received so far!

September 27, 2012

All the food gifts people are sending are delicious! But …

September 26, 2012

Um, good luck with that.

September 25, 2012

"That guy should lay off the soda." - Dumb guy looking at…

September 25, 2012

It's Nat'l Voter Registration Day & I got a pic w/ @toddb…

September 23, 2012

Just told my 3-year old cotton candy is just blue hair. #…

September 22, 2012

How did they make this Dora ice cream look so much like D…

September 22, 2012

My kids favorite part of the park.

September 19, 2012

"Let's put some delicious peanut butter inside a deliciou…

September 17, 2012

Living healthy feels good!

September 15, 2012

Thanks Bowling Green for the show & these gifts. Denver …

September 14, 2012

I don't even look like I'm wearing a fat suit in this pho…

September 12, 2012

I wish I had the confidence to wear this in Manhattan dur…

September 2, 2012

Is this place supposed to be good?

September 2, 2012

You know how Jim Beam, jalapeños and sunflower seeds have…

August 26, 2012

Anyone else read this book? I couldn't put it down.

August 25, 2012

I already love Spokane! Thx Eric Lautenbach & @markfewcv…

August 25, 2012

Eating heathy at PDX. So fun! #sarcasm #tryingtoimpres…

August 21, 2012

What happened? (Yes, those are metal front teeth)

August 19, 2012

A "to do" list my 8-year-old made.

August 18, 2012

They should rename this the sleeping pill.

August 18, 2012

Thx Pittsburgh and thanks @theordovician for the coolest …

August 18, 2012

Thx Cincy! Pittsburgh next! Then the diet.

August 16, 2012

Can someone just order for me? I'm exhausted from readin…

August 14, 2012

I'll have my beer sans ass, thanks.

August 14, 2012

Nothing says I'm a fan like an unhealthy dessert.

August 14, 2012

Now you tell me?

August 14, 2012

Walking the ducks @PeabodyMemphis

August 14, 2012

Thanks so much @PeabodyMemphis! So fun! Tonight @orpheum…

August 13, 2012

Pre-show snack. Thx Panama City!

August 13, 2012

A similar breed.

August 13, 2012

Spotted in its natural habitat.

August 12, 2012

Thx for this important breaking news!

August 10, 2012

Slow down @jeanniegaffigan! #mrswilkes #savannah

August 9, 2012

Thx Charleston. Savannah next. Why if I lived in the lo…

August 9, 2012

Here is the paster we are selling in Charleston, Savannah…

August 5, 2012

Nothing says "come and get it ladies" like a basket on yo…

August 4, 2012

Life has become so complicated.

July 30, 2012

Thx Norfolk and thx @jamieebrown for this. Go Navy.

July 28, 2012

Thx Hampton Beach & thanks whoever gave me my new wardrob…

July 28, 2012

Thanks to whoever gave me this. I think. Hampton Beach t…

July 27, 2012

Had to have some of New England's finest tonight. Hampton…

July 27, 2012

There is nothing puzzling about my love of Reba.

July 25, 2012

The American Tempura #ohiostatefair

July 25, 2012

Going healthy at the Ohio State Fair. Show tonight if I …

July 25, 2012

I'm a manatee! #ohiostatefair

July 24, 2012

Thx Syracuse. Tomorrow night Ohio State Fair with @billy…

July 24, 2012

Last night: Vive poutine! This morning: Le boo poutine.…

July 23, 2012

As you wish Canadian candy bar!

July 23, 2012

I wonder what is in this building?

July 21, 2012

Thx Detroit & thx whoever gave me this! Canada here we co…

July 18, 2012

"Nice to see you again."

July 18, 2012

What is the difference between buying a 3 yr old ice crea…

July 17, 2012

Goodbye #bowerypoetryclub, You were a special, filthy mis…

July 15, 2012

The only thing worse than Burger King is waiting for Burg…

July 14, 2012

Heads up. That is NOT white chocolate. #commonmistake

July 14, 2012

Somehow it is only appropriate a minivan gypsy cab would …

July 12, 2012

At airport on phone. A woman dropped off this note.

July 4, 2012

Baby pool? More like baby cool.

July 4, 2012

This was a total cake walk.

July 3, 2012

One of the only things I do well.

June 30, 2012

Why I don't eat healthy.

June 25, 2012

Here's an "elephant" my 3-year old created in "art" at he…

June 14, 2012

This is how i feel about all of you.

June 8, 2012

Thanks Brian @mrpnq for this cool iPad case my children w…

May 17, 2012

"Must be a 3 year old on the loose in these here parts."

May 17, 2012

Here we are 10 years after the invention of the universal…

May 13, 2012

Here is my Mother's Day gift to @jeanniegaffigan

May 9, 2012

One of the warning signs of depression.

May 8, 2012

Giving this to a 6 year old is as stupid as giving a mega…

April 19, 2012

Help me interpret my 7-year-olds art. What is she trying …

April 12, 2012

Guess where I am?

March 25, 2012

Thx Williamsport CAC. This should come with Lipitor.

March 22, 2012

Thx Heidi. This is also the packaging for bacon sunscree…

March 22, 2012

Oklahoma Joe's = best meals I've ever eaten at one time.

March 22, 2012

This is what @jeanniegaffigan dreams about.

March 22, 2012

Bringing the family to eat at gas station.

March 22, 2012

Either a lot of Northern Missouri looks like this or we k…

March 22, 2012

Thx Sullivan's amazing steaks . KC pressure is on.

March 21, 2012

Thanks Omaha for show and this. KC Thurs night .

March 21, 2012

Omaha tonight! Here is the proposed redesign to Mr. Rush…

March 19, 2012

Thx Fargo. Here's a picture of me on a t-shirt without a…

March 19, 2012

Thx ladies. Here's proof people want me dead.

March 18, 2012

Thx Des Moines. Had so much fun. Gave @tomshillue this …

March 18, 2012

What a lovely delicious gift. Thx @healthcoachtess & @an…

March 18, 2012

Me & @robdelaney at the Iowa State Capital.

March 18, 2012

Me & @michaelianblack at @zombieburger

March 16, 2012

Brought kids to Gerald Ford Museum and here. Exposing th…

March 16, 2012

Thx Erie! So fun. GR, Joliet, DM & Fargo next.

March 15, 2012

Here's the tour bus!

March 15, 2012

Here's where I'm living for the next 11 days. Erie tonigh…

March 8, 2012

Why can't everywhere be like this?

March 6, 2012

Editing my new comedy special, "Mr. Universe". Forced to…

February 28, 2012

"I could make you edible." - Mayonnaise to Cabbage

February 21, 2012

"Organic" means diet, right?

January 24, 2012

Name that horrible experience